Me vene ra chiagner'
(It makes me cry)

I get my heart broken every time I see poorly made pizza (for me, all it takes is a look). To make matters worse, my anguish is intensified when I see people enjoying it and even discussing why “it's good pizza”. I think to myself, “Are these people troubled? They'd probably gleefully devour meatloaf in watermelon soup and think nothing wrong of it !! ”

Where do I start?

1) Super Thin

What the hell does that mean? Why does everything have to be extreme, especially in America? If thin pizzas are deemed good, then the desire is to make the thinnest pizza possible. These people are missing the point. True Neapolitan (or Salernitana) Pizza is neither thick nor thin. It is what it is and how it's supposed to be. Not thin or thick, just Pizza. Remember : You may like it one way or the other, but it does not make it true Pizza. Thin pizzas never made any sense to me because they make no sense at all. Thin pizzas not only crack when folded but cannot hold whatever toppings are placed on it, leading to the sad falling of the tip of the pizza when grabbed and folded.

2) Toppings

What the hell is Pepperoni?

No, seriously. Do people realize that Peperone (with no double p's ) means bell pepper in Italian? There has never been any sausage named Pepperoni in Italy. To be more specific, there has never been a sausage so bad and cheap tasting as Pepperoni anywhere in Italy at any time. Now, remember, you may like Pepperoni Pizza, but that means you like something else, not Pizza. Pepperoni sausages smell like used hockey equipment and should be left off Pizza. Moving on to other atrocious toppings like Pineapple or Barbeque chicken, I can only say that I have yet to discover the emotions, let alone words, to address this dilemma. The absolute worst sin of all is putting pasta on pizza. There is no way in hell the inventor of that is ever going to heaven. When considering toppings, remember: the fewer the better and the less of it the better. If it is a simple pizza with cheese, the cheese should be sparingly put on to resemble spots.

3) Filled Crusts

I see commercials advertising pizzas with their crusts covered with “spices” and filled with cheese. This is absolutely unacceptable. There is no need to surprise people with extra stuff in every bite.

4) Free Container Spices

At most American pizzerias, plastic containers separately containing oregano, garlic, hot pepper, parmesan (not Parmigiano), salt, pepper, and who knows what else are on offer for free to add to your pizza. The only acceptable one could be hot pepper flakes. Parmigiano, which would have to be the real thing, can be added as freshly shaved or grated but definitely not what is typically on offer in a container.

5) Kids' Opinions

How do I justify the title? Ok, I was never the type of child who ordered off the kids' menu or wanted a “happy meal”. First, I have never been to a place that had kids' menus. Second, I never wanted to eat stupid stuff. Third, had I wanted to eat like a “kid”, my parents would have never accepted that. I ate what I wanted and what I wanted was real food. I was lucky enough to have the best, most authentic food offered to me. Given this, why would I choose grilled cheese and french fries? As a side note, I actually like grilled cheese and french fries. Why would I choose to spell my name out with triple colored, heavily sugared cereal letters? This notion that “the kids like it” is awful. Families should not be democratic and children should eat like humans. I would have NEVER engaged in a food fight. 2 reasons: One, it's a sin. Two, it's stupid. I was too busy eating chicory and beans. Why is it so fascinating to kids to play with an “extra stringy” pizza like a bimbo plays with her hair? This Nickelodeon approach to pizza (and all things Life) is silly - a word I hate using. If the main theme of a pizzeria is “cheese”, then run away. If it has “cheese” in its name, then run faster. These places are perfect for catering to children's desire to play with extra cheese after they play on the slides or whatever toys are on offer at the circuses they call “pizzerias”.